She's running out of steam: The "Bionic" recap

A lot of my friends and I were split on the pilot for "Bionic Woman," I saw the potential, they saw crap. I'm beginning to think they were right. I have no qualms admitting I was wrong.

Last night, we saw Episode 2 and it this is the direction the train is going, then I'm jumping off after the next episode.

"Bionic Woman": The recap
We catch up with Jamie and her little bratty sister (I still can't remember that girl's name, that's how little she's impacted me so far) at Will's funeral. Poor Jamie, first she loses her baby, then she been upgraded to Jamie 2.0 and now Will is dead. (Of course, last week, it looked like he just had a shoulder wound but that's just me). Miguel Ferrer (aka Not Oscar Goldman) shows up to remind Jaime that she's porting $50,000,000 worth of his hardware and that she needs to come do some good in the world.

His good in the world and hers are vastly different because fast forward two scenes later and she's slamming some random dude in the men's room in a bar. NOG shows up and reminds her that she's wasting time. I fear so are we....

And then we go into the lovely opening sequence which in a word sucks. I miss the old slo-mo with hair flowing in the wind and cool sound effects. This is just angry rock music, a woman silhoutted against a white glass in a black room. It's like angst art with out the angst and the um, art.

After the break we find out that Bratty McBrat has been smoking pot in the girl's room. I know this is supposed to be San Francisco and all but this girl looks like she would need help buying a 7-Up and we're supposed to believe she scored some pot??? But I digress.

Fifteen-minutes into the show, someone remembers this is called the "Bionic" woman and not "Random boring chick" and we see her bionics in action. She saves a woman from jumping from a building. Um Yay! Plus, who jumps backward from a building? If you're going die, then just go for it. (Yes, I know I'm cruel, but my frustration is building).

Jaime decides after seeing her slacker friends actually get jobs and go on with their lives to go work for NOG and his crew. Along the way, she meets Isiah "He-who-hurls-the-"F"-word-around-but-got fired-and-now-this-is-the-best-he-could-do "Washington. They have a Yoda/Karate Kid/wise black person moment in a book store and she decides to pay NOG a visit. She lays down a laundry list of what she will and won't do. NOG agrees but should be reaching for the "OFF" or "MUTE" button because her demands are crazy!

Amazing how last week she ran for her life and this week she has a shiny new badge and can walk up and down the halls with no problem. Then it's time for the "training montage". See Jamie's body. See Jamie do one handed pull-ups. See Jaime run (but with NO sound effects booooo!!!). And then viola! She's ready for her first mission: Trying to figure out who killed an Idaho town with a weaponized bio-agent. It turns out NOG and his crew created it and enemy hands got a hold of it.

Meanwhile, Jae gets yellow roses from Sarah aka "Ta-dah" and they go off to have some Bionic lovin'. She tells him that she got hacked and that's why she went crazy. (Has he forgotten this woman killed NotMcDreamy?)

Jamie and the blond woman who wanted to "talk about their feelings" go into the town as the "Department of Agriculture" and find that there's some soliders trying to kill the only survivor of the plague.

A soldier hands Jaime's butt to her until she realizes that she's BIONIC and then fights back. (I guess all that training was for naught). Bratty McBrat calls and wants her Tenacious D T-shirt during this just to remind viewers she's on the show.

She and the blond are rescued by IW and crew (how they got their that fast is beyond me) and then terrorist cell is taken down.

Meanwhile Jamie and Bratty bond and make up. The end.


Episode grade: D